"untitled"

so, you have a fat sister.

sorry 'bout that.

i didn't mean to bother you with that obvious fact.

but as photos are processed 

and pants fit as pat

it's clear that you indeed have a fat sister

and i am really sorry 'bout that.

he he he... balls

another nugget.

Madeline

Following the baptismal dunk the baby cried,
The people clapped, smiled, rejoiced.
Food and drink and warm, breezy air.

The young couple with young child
Starting their lives onward from a
Picnic and sun dresses and loving
Companions.

Muffins and fruit
Mimosas and mementos.

A healthy gust whipped through and a
Lone party balloon broke free.
As white a baby Madeline's baby dress.

It danced and rose into the sky
Higher and higher
And we all watched in wonder.

POW!

I've changed my mind. I always thought that if I was a super hero my power would be to be able to go invisible. That way I could listen to people talk about me (because that's all people do, right?)

So, instead of hearing really mean things about me I've changed my power to.... (drum roll) the ability to encapsulate a time, choice, lifestyle change, etc into a musical montage.

Now of course there would be the obvious; a girlfriend is thinking of loosing weight (Michael Jackson's "Beat It"), a young couple discovering each other (Madonna's "Lucky Star), falling in love (Olivia Newton John's "Hopelessly Devoted to You"), getting married (Whitney Houston's version of "I Will Always Love You" even though Dolly Parton's version is better), and then either one dying (Celin Dion's "My Heart Will Go On") or getting a divorce (Alannis Morisette's "You Oughta Know").

But the fun would come with the random and or inappropriate montages...

A woman recovering from a horrible accident (Don Henley's "All She Wants to do is Dance").

Some guy suffering from really bad constipation ( Beatle's "All Things Must Pass").

A teen girl battling with anorexia (Jimmy Buffet's "Cheeseburger in Paradise").

Parents dropping their child off for the 1st day of school (Madonna's "Like a Virgin").

A young professional walking to her car late at night (Tiffany's, "I Think We're Alone Now).

I could go on, but unfortunately I am not a super hero and I have to work. Here's hoping you have your self many joyous montages....

Love,

Lyric

(that would be my super hero name)

 

Goes well with jumbo shrimp

I took this at one of my Festival Foods accounts. I believe that you need to find nuggets of joy every day. This was my nugget.

Long Distance Relationships Are A Bitch

"Hey baby, how you doin'?

"Good!!! I'm eating a little sandwich right now. How 'bout you?"

"Talking to you, Baby Brooke, and trying out my new robe."

"I'm wearing your favorite purple ribbons in my hair."

"Ohhh girl! Stop it. I need to break me off a piece of you soon, baby!"

"You now I'll treat you right, Hakeem. I'll make you feel good. Hike that robe up for me."

"I'll be in Denver next week sugar, and we'll hook it up."

"You come get this sugar. Baby Brooke will be waiting with that little nighty you like."

"DAMN!"

Radio Tires

I'm driving down the road... turn on the radio.

I'm sittin' in a railway station, got a ticket for my destina-

"Shut the Fuck up, Paul Simon!"

I turn the corner and the station.

Caribbean queen, now we're sharing the same dream-

"What the Fuck, Billy Ocean! Suck a fart out of my butt. Share that with her, too!"

Next channel, please... where's this god damned address!

Look for it to be partly cloudy with a slight chance for afternoon show-

"You piece of shit weatherman! Sligh chan fo rai, sligh chan fo rai.. Shut Up!"

If I don't find this shit hole and something to listen to... I'm gonna drive into a fucking tree.

Take it easy... take it easy... don't let the sound of your own wheels-

Ohhh... that's what I should do? Well thank you Eagles. I'll take it easy just for you, you stinky little birdies. Fuck off!

"Wait, wait here it is... my favorite antique shop."

juice

(dark, smokey bar.... upright bass.....spotlight.)

Wine.

WHY-n.

I drink you.

I sell you.

I.

Love.

You.

You bitch.

Wine.

WHY-n.

Elixir made from grapes and yeast poop.

Older than Absinthe (I think)

Feel good maker.

Feel bad maker.

A nice thing to bring to a party.

Whether you know them well or not.

Wine.

WHY-n.

Cabernet

Merlot

Chardonnay

Shiraz (or Syrah if it's from anywhere but Australia)

Riesling

Petite Verdot (slut)

Wine.

WHY-n.

I'd bathe in you if it wouldn't be weird.

I'd drink you for breakfast if I was more of an alcoholic.

I'd marry you if I wasn't already married or if I was in Utah.

I'd name babies after you if I were to have babies.

I'd slap that evil look off your face if you had one.

I'd take you to the after life but I know you'll already be there waiting for me.

Wine.

WHY-n.

(boom, boom, boom- hisssssss)

(long inhale.... tension building)

(blackout)

My Favorite CCs

We have CC Martini (top left)
CC Deville (top right)
CC Sabathia (bottom left)
CC (Convoy Crane) (bottom right)

Don't Always Go Organic

I was at work last night and all of a sudden I heard a massive amount of fireworks going off and they sounded soooo close. So, I stepped outside for a moment to see if I could catch a glimpse of the magic. But I saw nothing. But still the "boom, boom boom!" Weird, I thought. But I went back inside and thought nothing of it.

It turns out that it wasn't fireworks I was hearing. It was an Filipino man with a sub machine gun at the neighboring Whole Foods mowing down shoppers. Go figure.

Local bunnies ruin the 4th of July

When bunnies are doing really cool stuff, like jumping over each other in a fun, systematic game and someone finally gets their camcorder; bunnies go back to being stupid, boring bunnies.

Not Our Porch

So Brett Favre has an itch again. Brett, Brett, Brett. And now the whole world knows. Well, sometimes my balls itch if I haven't taken a shower for a while. But I don't go door to door in my neighborhood telling everyone it. Enough already!

He's like that old dog that gave you so many good years and then all of a sudden it started pissing on the carpet. So you take Rover for a little car ride out to the country and let him out to frolic in the wilderness and pee on trees and shrubs, while you drive home. He'll be happier there, right?

Wrong! Because in a week or so, one day you'll be sitting in your screened in porch reading some biography on Burt Reynolds and you'll hear your kids start yelling, "Rover's back! Rover's back!" And you'll be thinking, Rover, you son of bitch! No pun intended. But the little kiddies are so happy and they're rubbing his belly and feeding him Skittles and shit. And Rover's all happy because he's the center of attention again. Look at me! Take me outside! Scratch my ass area!

You start thinking that maybe you made a mistake trying to get rid of Rover. The kids love him. That takes pressure off of you to be the entertainer. And he still looks pretty cute. So, you keep him around and feed him special, expensive senior citizen dog food.

But then he starts pissing and shitting everywhere and all the time. More so inside than outside. But he's old and you can't go shoving his nose in his shit and piss like when he was a young pup. He knows he's not supposed to do it, he just can't help it anymore. And he looks up at you with the ever graying fur around his eyes and snout and doggy grins. Right after you cleaned up his old dog diarrhea.

But the kids still love him.

Suddenly Rover disappeared. He was no where to be found. The neighborhood kids were hanging up missing dog posters on trees. And yelling his name at all hours of the day. We miss you, we miss you, Rover! Come back! But he didn't.

A couple weeks passed and it was hot. You were out doing some lawn work, killing weeds and refilling the birdbath. You start to notice this terrible stench in the air and it got stronger as you walked towards the house. You look under the deck and there he his... Rover. All rotting and balloted and putrid. It looked like the flies and maggots got to him pretty good, too. And then you hear blood-curdling screams. The kids were behind you. They saw Rover or what was left of him. Rover! Rover! Why! Look at you, you poor thing!

... And you start thinking to yourself, gol darn it Rover. I sent you out to the beautiful wilderness to frolic and play for the rest of your days and you knew it was best. When we found you, you were such a wild, free spirited little pup. So full of life, and you were for so long. We sent you away for a reason. But you had to come back with your tongue and tail a wagging. And you got all that attention and you ate it up. And now the kids have to see you like this... this is their last image of you.

Man down! Man down!

Ok, so last night I started to hear the beginning of the upcoming holiday. Cheap-ass fireworks. Not that there is any way to avoid the 4th or the weeks leading up to the 4th. Every exit on every highway has a big tent filled with the same fireworks that has been around for years and years. Every place that sells anything has their Sale! Sale! Sale! Because what else says freedom like a new car, sofa, ring or pack of 18 bic pens?

I'm not a fan.

Don't get me wrong- I love the free day off of work and all. But I just don't get too into it. I don't go to see fireworks. I hate the crowds and the parking and the mosquitoes. And I don't get it.

Why, WHY do we celebrate holidays like the 4th, Flag day (you laugh but Appleton, WI is nuts about flag day), Memorial day- holidays that mark the end, beginning or middle of big ol' bloody wars- with fireworks?

I mean think about it! You get a bunch of veterans around, dress them up in their old uniforms and set off explosives?! Hello flashbacks! Let's celebrate with sounds of bombs and rapid fire?

Again, don't get me wrong- I'm as American as.... what ever is considered American these days- and I do like a lot of what I got. I guess I just don't get it. 

Happy 4th! GOOOOOOOOOOO America! U-S-A 

ItDependsOnDay

The Warden rarely refused sexual favors, but today was one of those days. Billy's face was all jacked-up- chipped teeth, dried, crusty blood all around his nostrils, the whole bit. He looked a little sleep deprived too, thought The Warden.

Billy's been here three years come this July. On a camping trip up north, he threw a lit case of M-80s into his buddies' tent. It was like a fillet mignon was tossed in a blender, and the pulse button pressed a few times. Splattery. That was the day Billy's friend Kyle lost an eye and the day Billy lost his independence. And The Warden got back that lovin' feeling.